COLUMBUS' MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've  discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER:
"Can't you paint on  walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that  stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right, if you aren't  hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there  and show me."
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the  stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other  kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER:
"I'm not upset that your lamb  followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better  grade than you."

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER:
"The next time I  catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance  good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud  that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to  bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you  think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your  curfew."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But it's your  senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel,  mousse, something...?"

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for awhile and said,"my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.


"What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on thecorrectness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's theDAY sir!"


"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

He was selected for IIM!

The following story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales were booming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold.


The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment. The crowd groaned in disappointment and failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.


The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished, there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, Daddy, I think you are wonderful! The crowd broke into thunderous applause.


We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, I think you are wonderful.


And at times others are expecting this from you. Are you telling them how wonderful you are?

Thumb represents your Parents
Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings
Middle finger represents your-Self
Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner
& the Last (Little) finger represents your children

Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together - back to back Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip.

Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)..., they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.

Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings)...., they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.

Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children)...., they will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.

Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse).

You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT....., because Husband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!

Please try this out......... ISN'T THIS A LOVELY THEORY?

Over the weekend, I filled up my car's fuel tank, and I thought fuel has become really expensive after the recent price hike. But then I compared it with other common liquids and did some quick calculations, and I felt a little better.


To know why, see the results below ? you'll be surprised at how outrageous some other prices are !


Diesel (regular) in Mumbai : Rs 36.08 per litre
Petrol (speed) in Mumbai : Rs 52 per litre
Coca Cola 330 ml can : Rs 20 = Rs 61 per litre
Dettol antiseptic 100 ml Rs 20 = Rs 200 per litre
Radiator coolant 500 ml Rs 160 = Rs 320 per litre
Pantene conditioner 400 ml Rs 165 = Rs 413 per litre
Mouthwash Listerine 100 ml Rs 45 = Rs 450 per litre
Red Bull 150 ml can : Rs 75 = Rs 500 per litre
Corex cough syrup 100 ml Rs 57 = Rs 570 per litre
Evian water 500 ml Rs 330 = Rs 660 per litre
Kores whiteout 15 ml Rs 15 = Rs 1000 per litre
Coffee at a 5*hotel 150 ml Rs 175 = Rs 1167 per litre
Old Spice after shave 100 ml Rs 175 = Rs 1750 per litre
Pure almond oil 25 ml Rs 68 = Rs 2720 per litre

Ek bar ek Shopping Mall ne ek naya gujarati salesman hire kiya. Salary badhne lagi-din dugni, raat chauguni.

Boss ne socha is ladke se mujhe milna hai. Boss Mall par aaya, usne dekha ladka ek customer ko fishing-rod bechraha tha.


Woh door khada ho kar hi usko customer se deal karte dekhne lagaa. Ladke ne fishing-rod bech di. Customer ne kaha kitne rupaye, ladka bola Rs.800/-.

Yeh kahkar ladke ne customer ke shoes dekhe aur bola, itne mehange shoes pahankar fishing karne jayenge? Ek sport shoe bhi kharid lijiye, customer ne sport shoes bhi kharid liye.


Ab ladke ne kaha talaab kinare dhoop mein baithna padega, ek cap bhi kharid lijiye to theek rehega, customer ne cap bhi kharid li. Ab ladke ne kaha, machli pakadne mein bahut intezar karna padega, kuchch eatables, wafer, biscuits, bhi le jayiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid liye. Ladka bola machli pakdenge to rakhenge kahan ? Yeh ek Rs.100/- ki basket bhi le lijiye, customer ne woh bhi kharid li.

Ab total bill bana Rs.2000/- ka.


Boss bahut khush hua. Usne ladke ko bulaya aur kaha, tum to kamal ke salesman ho. Woh aadmi fishing rod kharidane ayaa . . aur tumane usey itna sara samaan bech diya, very good.

Ladka bola, ' Sir, woh aadmi to 'Stayfree' napkin kharidane ayaa tha uski biwi ke liye, maine kaha, char din tu ghar par kya karega, '"Jaa Machli Pakad'"

Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

A smile happens in a flash, but its memory can last a lifetime

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it. And it always makes other people think better of you.

A smile is a light in the window of a face that signifies the heart is at home and waiting

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to

Peace begins with a smile

Every tear has a smile behind it.

Keep a smile on your face and let your personality be your autograph

No matter how small, a SMILE on your face tells all

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity

Smiles are unbreakable--and mend broken hearts

Smiles are great investments: the more you collect, the better you feel

Be multilingual; smiles are the universal language

A laugh is a smile that bursts
Smile, it is the key that fits the lock of everybody's heart.

A smile happens in a flash, but its memory can last a lifetime

There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy

A warm smile is the universal language of kindness

Smiling makes you feel better about yourself, even if you don't feel like it. And it always makes other people think better of you.

A smile is a light in the window of a face that signifies the heart is at home and waiting

Life is like a mirror, we get the best results when we smile at it

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile

A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

Beauty is power; a smile is its sword.

Keep smiling - it makes people wonder what you've been up to

Peace begins with a smile

Every tear has a smile behind it.

Keep a smile on your face and let your personality be your autograph

No matter how small, a SMILE on your face tells all

What sunshine is to flowers, smiles are to humanity

Smiles are unbreakable--and mend broken hearts

Smiles are great investments: the more you collect, the better you feel

Be multilingual; smiles are the universal language

A laugh is a smile that bursts

A smile is just a frown upside-down

A smile is as nice to give, as it is to receive

Most smiles start with another smile...

Though Smile cannot erase our burden, but it sure does make us feel lighter...

Just smile pleaseeeeeeee
A smile is just a frown upside-down

A smile is as nice to give, as it is to receive

Most smiles start with another smile...

Though Smile cannot erase our burden, but it sure does make us feel lighter...

Just smile pleaseeeeeeee

• Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

• I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

• The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

• Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

• Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

• What is the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

• My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

• When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

• A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession.. .even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house. After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

• A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married. Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

• "Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire' " Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously. "What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?" "I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

• Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
  A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

• Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

• At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
  Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

• A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever! Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

• A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
  Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
  French: Toilette pepper!

• A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on a deck at a nudist colony.
  The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
  The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker chairs."

• We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations--we' re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn't need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says 'Excuse me'.

17. Says "Hey" instead of "Hi".
    Says "Yogurt" instead says "Curds".
    Says "Cab" instead of "Taxi".
    Says "Candy" instead of "Chocolate".
    Says "Cookie" instead of "Biscuit".
    Says " Free Way " instead of "Highway".
    Says "got to go" instead of "Have to go".
    Says "Oh" instead of "Zero", (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven Zero Four)

16. Doesn't forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats "Zee" several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY, says "Oh! British Style!!!!"

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about "Jet Lag".

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink "Diet Coke", instead of Normal Coke.

6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces "schedule" as "skejule", and "module" as "mojule".

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

Few more important

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by which he traveled back to India , even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one:
1.. Tries to begin conversation with "In US ...." or "When I was in US..."

SMART ARSED ANSWER 6

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ARSED ANSWER 5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'


SMART ARSED ANSWER 4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a supermarket but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'


SMART ARSED ANSWER 3

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.

The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


SMART ARSED ANSWER 2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road.  A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.'

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.  

The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'

The truck driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!'


SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A teacher at a TAFE college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-arse at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'